Friday, August 9, 2019
If you told me on the morning of August 9, 2019 that I’d be losing my mother later that night, I would have laughed in your face. My mom had her health issues. She was sixty years old so of course she did. It seems that when her and my father moved back to West Virginia six years ago, she started having all kinds of health issues. I often wonder if it all came about because she didn’t want to move back to WV. She was unhappy about the move and remained unhappy, for the most part, for the last six years. She stopped working when she moved back to WV. With her downtime she suddenly developed high cholesterol, high blood pressure, COPD, diabetes, low oxygen and interstitial cystitis (IC). Not all at once but gradually over time. But mom was like Wonder Woman. She kept going and no one in the family ever looked at her as being unhealthy. My dad had that title. After all, he is the one that battled cancer and survived and then had a mini stroke a few years later and survived that too. He was the one we all were always worried about. Not Mom. Never Mom. That was our mistake.
The day of Friday, August 9th was a normal day for me for the most part. I got up and went to work. I had two teeth pulled the previous Monday and they were still hurting a little but I had been feeling crappy all week since the teeth were pulled. I was feeling tired, out of it, and just not right. I wonder now if it was my body’s way of telling me something really awful was about to happen. I got through my day at work and went home and started some laundry. I figured I’d pack in the morning before I left for WV. My Fiancé, Dave, and I went out and had dinner at Olive Grove. I remember just being in a bad mood because I was still struggling with being able to eat and I was just in a bad mood. I don’t know how he put up with me! When we got home, it was a little after 8:00 and we were just sitting on the couch together going through social media and laughing at videos.
I was supposed to head to WV for a week the very next day so I could spend my Mom’s birthday with her on the 17th. So when my cell phone rang at 9:35 pm and it was my parent’s home number, I thought something must have happened to my dad for my mom to be calling me that late. I picked up and was shocked to hear my dad on the other end. “Your mother is dead.” That’s exactly how he said it to me. He was crying, shook up and trying to pull himself together. As he gave me the story, I began crying and shaking. It was a feeling I had never felt before and it scared me. He said she had been cleaning the house all day – something she did before I came to visit. But she hadn’t been feeling well all day. He said he had tried to get her to go to the hospital but she wouldn’t do it. She was stubborn when it came to stuff like that. She took her shower that night and went into their bedroom. Dad went into their bathroom and when he came out maybe three minutes later, she was gone. Dead. Other than a little bit of blood that was coming out of her mouth, there were no clues of what happened to her. The EMS guys thought maybe an aneurysm because of the blood. We all went with that because there was nothing else to go with.
I had to get off the phone with dad so he could call 9-1-1 back as 20 minutes had gone by and no one had showed up yet. My shaking continued. Looking back on it now, I think the shaking was the person I was that day leaving my body, never to return. I didn’t know what to do. It’s a five-hour drive to my parent’s house and I knew I could never make that drive as it was going on 10:00 already. So, I started calling everybody. I called my youngest brother first. I had to tell him. He was shocked. He drove to be with my dad. It’s a three-hour drive for him. He got there at 2:30 that morning to find our father, sitting in the living room and staring off at nothing, in shock. Him and my mom had been married for 41 years. That’s a long time to be with someone just to lose your other half unexpectedly. I then called my oldest brother, my sister and then every single friend that I could think of that would have cared to know. I just didn’t know what else to do. Dave didn’t know what to do. When all the calls were done, it was already midnight and I was feeling lost. I decided to pack and then lay down. I didn’t sleep that night. I mostly cried, looked around my dark bedroom, wondering if my Mom was there checking on me. It’s all about me, right? What else would she be doing? Where else would she be? She was my best friend and I was hers, she had to have been with me, or so I thought in my mind, but I didn’t feel her with me. I only felt alone.
Saturday, August 10, 2019
How I made that drive in the morning is beyond me. Dave followed behind me in his truck as he didn’t know how long he’d be able to stay with me due to his job. That was the longest drive of my life. I’ve become an expert, though, at crying while driving. As I got closer to their house, I started to feel like it was all a joke and I was about to see my mother, just like I was supposed to that day. Then as I walked up to the house to see my dad sitting on the porch, looking out of it, I knew it wasn’t a joke. He stood up and actually hugged me. My Dad is not someone who hugs and when he does, he just leans into the hug and lets you hug him. He actually put both of his arms around me and was crying. I had never seen my father like that. This was real. The awkwardness was real (my father and I get along but we are not close, not like my mother and I were), feeling uncomfortable and scared was real. This was really happening, like it or not. We were all crying and we are not an emotional family. We got ourselves together, and Luke (my youngest brother) began making calls. He got an appointment set up with the funeral home for Monday. We went and looked at the cemetery where my dad happens to mow the lawn. They had available plots and as luck would have it, they don’t charge for the plots. They take donations. My dad got three plots. One for Mom, one for him and one for my brother Kent who lives with them…I mean, him. The rest of the day went by in a blur as we all tried to make sense of what in the hell happened.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
We didn’t do much on Sunday. Dad started cleaning out his bedroom closet. We found the outfit we wanted to bury Mom in. That was about all we did. We cried when we had to. It felt weird to be in that house and mom not be there. I kept waiting for her to pop in the door and say, “Just kidding! Here I am!” She never did though. My sister drove in from Florida with our cousin Kim. She got in pretty late so she stayed with Kim until in the morning. Dave left on this day, promising me that he’d be back for the funeral. At one point, dad was crying and he said he spent his whole life taking care of Mom and now he can’t. He said he was worried about her because he didn’t know where she was or if she was okay. I told him that mom was a good person and she was in heaven and was just fine. He said he hoped so because when he died and went to hell, he would need her to pull him up out of hell.
Monday, August 12, 2019
We were finally able to call Mom’s life insurance company. I read her policy on Saturday and was pretty sure that what I read meant she would only get what she had paid in to it. She had only had her policy for one year. If another year had gone by, we would have gotten the full amount. Talking to them confirmed what I already knew and they said there would be a check mailed for a whopping $563. If mom knew, she’d probably be pissed. So, now we had the stress of figuring out how to pay for her funeral costs. Dad is on a fixed income and he would be losing mom’s disability money so he’d be pulling in even less every month. In the end, Luke paid for a half of it from money he pulled out of his savings account. I paid for the other half with a credit card…one that I just literally paid off less than a month ago. Oh well. Mom is worth it! My sister said she’d send us money to help pay it all off.
It was time to go to the funeral home and plan my Mom’s funeral. That still doesn’t sound right to me, five weeks later, it still sounds wrong. I thought this would be the part where I’d lose it. I did okay though. I only started to cry a bit when one of the funeral home employees said flowers were starting to come in for her. For whatever reason, when I heard that, it made it real because it confirmed that other people knew. Other people that weren’t us. When it came time to pick out a casket, I thought, okay, here it goes. Now I’m going to lose it. I didn’t though. It’s a creepy thing to be picking a final bed for your mother. We made the decision pretty quickly and got the hell out of that room. The funeral home was great. They walked us through everything and answered all of our questions. We had never had to do this before, none of us.
With that being done, we had nothing else to do now but wait. Luke decided to go home to get some rest and said he’d be back tomorrow evening sometime. My half-brother, Tracy (we have different mothers), was at the house when we got back from the funeral home with his girlfriend and four kids. It was nice to see them and at one point, the kids were wrestling on the floor and I almost took a picture of it because I was thinking, “I have to take a picture of this and show mom. She is missing out.” I then quickly realized that I couldn’t send her a picture. It was a weird moment for me. I was in her house and thinking how she’s missing out. I had forgotten for one split second that she had passed away. Would I have more moments like this? They stayed through the evening and after they left it was just me and my sister and my other brother, Kent, who lives there. It was weird, uncomfortable and sad. At one point, I decided to take a drive up to the Walmart to get an HDMI cable. I had made a slideshow of pictures of mom that we were going to play during the viewing and I’d need that cable. I used it as an excuse to get out of the house and have some time to myself. There were a lot of people there and I just needed some silence. I never enjoyed a drive more than I did at that moment. I cried and blared my music.
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Tuesday was another day of not doing much. It was weird being in that house and Mom not being there. I was stuck there with my sister, who I’m not close with, at all, and my other younger brother, Kent, who is oblivious to everything, and my Dad who was still a wreck. I felt like I had to be strong and hold it together for him so that’s what I tried to do. If I had to cry, I went to the bathroom, let it out, got myself together and went back to the living room. I don’t know why I felt like I had to hide it. I just wanted to be strong for my Dad and didn’t want him to see me weak. It was a hard day to get through knowing that tomorrow, we’d be burying my mother. Luke got there around 3:00 or so. It was nice to have him back there. Him and I went out to Walmart so he could buy a new belt and then we went over to Applebee’s for some food and a drink. We talked a lot about mom and how she passed and how we were feeling. I realized, in that moment, how lucky and happy I was to have him with me for this. He was the only sibling that I knew I could count on to help me with everything. I’m so proud to call him my brother. Him and I are a lot alike and we get along great. I love him so much.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Dave came back that morning with my other oldest half-brother, Delbert (we have different moms). I told him I needed him there so he came. Tracy also came back as well as Jen, Luke’s wife. I had went in the spare bedroom to get something. I turned on the light, the bulb blew. I thought it might be mom saying hello. The viewing started at 11:00 but we had to be there at 10:00. I’m glad we got to be there before everyone else. We hadn’t seen Mom yet and I had no idea how I was going to handle it. We all walked in together but my dad was in the lead and we were all behind him. I was walking with Dave right behind Dad. As we walked to the casket, I thought my legs were going to give out from under me. I slowed down. Dad sped up. He got to the casket first and the sound that came out of him is one I never want to hear again. The sadness, the sorrow, the pain, everything he was feeling came out of his mouth in a whimper and cry that I had never heard from him before. I immediately threw away everything I was feeling and walked faster to get to my Dad sooner. I stood next to him and put my arm around him. Everyone else filled in and we cried. The next hour before everyone got there was a blur. I can still see myself there and see everything as it was in my mind’s eye even though it was a blur in the moment. I touched my Mom’s arm and it was cold and rubbery. I just wanted to feel her one last time even though I knew she wasn’t really there. People started arriving and I stood next to my Dad in front of the casket and thanked everyone for coming because that’s what we were told to do. I felt like an idiot but I pushed on. As long as my Dad was standing there, I was going to be standing right there next to him. When the service started, my brother Luke got the opening statement. He prepared a little speech that he wanted to share with everyone and it…was…PERFECT! I don’t think I have ever been more proud of him. He was great. He is great. My Uncle Lonnie did the actual service as he is a retired minister. He read the obituary out loud and I was not looking forward to that. You see, my sister married my ex-husbands brother so she now has the last name that I used to have when I was married. It’s a name I HATE and the fact that it was in my Mom’s obituary was a disgrace…especially since Mom hated that family more than me. Well, my Mom did good. As Uncle Lonnie was reading the name, he choked, totally destroyed the name and said it all wrong. So there I sat, tears running down my face and laughing. Thanks Mom!
The burial was the roughest part. I never want to be buried. Just cremate me. I have no desire to lay underground forever. It’s creepy and gives me a weird feeling to know we bury dead bodies. I didn’t want my Mom to have dirt thrown on top of her because her life was so much more than that. I just kept telling myself that she wasn’t in there and her body was just a shell of who she was. When that part was over and the funeral director dismissed us, my Aunt Connie spoke up. She said that it couldn’t be it because Mom was so much more than that. She was right. Mom was everything. She was something to everyone. She was everything to me. After we left, we went back to the house. I walked around with Dave and then sat down behind the house, just the two of us. I just needed to be away from the noise of Tracy’s kids running around. Dave and I chatted for a while and then we got something to eat. Eating was something that had been hit or miss. Sometimes I could eat, other times I couldn’t. Today, I was able to eat a good bit before I felt like I was going to puke.
Dave left with Delbert. Tracy and his kids left. It got quiet as the night went on.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
I was in the bathroom in the morning, crying, and the lights went off and came back on. I thought it might be mom again, saying hello. Luke and Jen went out for the day. I sat at the house, trying to pretend I was okay. I was falling apart inside. I had to be strong. I tried to talk to dad about helping him sort out how to pay his bills. He said he was fine with that and wouldn’t need help. I had to take his word at that. My cousin came to pick up my sister and take her back to her house. They were leaving for the airport in the morning. She had an easy out as Luke and I were still there with dad. The day went by in a blur. Luke and I did go back to the funeral home to pay the bill and we talked to the two guys there for a while. We asked them if they knew who picked up my mom at the house. I thought maybe talking to those people could shed some light on what happened to mom. They gave us the number but I still have yet to call it. They did tell us that when they got mom’s body, her face was darker than the rest of her body and that’s usually a sign of a heart attack.
Friday, August 16, 2019
Luke went back home today. It was hard for me to see him go. I didn’t want to be the only one there left with dad. It was already awkward enough. I mean, my brother Kent was still there, but he’s not much help with anything. I rode downtown with dad, in mom’s car. It was already weird since I never went anywhere with my dad but it made it more weird that we were in her car. I was always going downtown in mom’s car with mom. I guess this was how life was going to be now. I had to build a stronger relationship with my father. Somehow. He had to go in and pay his land taxes so he could renew his tags on his cars next week. So we did that. My Uncle Bob asked him to stop by and look at Aunt Connie’s car. Her muffler was falling off. Dad and I drove it over to the service station to see if it could be fixed. While we were waiting, he showed me a little creek that was behind the station that had minnows swimming in it. Weird. It was a little bonding experience with me and my dad. I was so uncomfortable but I had to keep pushing forward. As we were in the car, I asked dad if he would be okay when I leave tomorrow. He told me he would be fine. I told him I felt bad leaving him alone. He said he was okay with being alone, that he enjoyed being alone. That must be where I get it from. He said the only thing he was worried about was Kent. Kent has mental issues and can be hard to handle sometimes. I was worried about that as well. Mom always dealt with Kent. Never dad.
The day burned into the evening and I was sitting in the living room watching TV, trying to ignore the fact that it had already been one week since mom passed away. Dad actually came in and sat with me. I asked him if mom had been by to haunt him yet. He said not yet but he wished she would. Aunt Linda, Mom’s sister, called me. Just to say hi and check in. As we were talking, dad went to bed. He usually never sits in the living room. I hope he wasn’t mad that I was on the phone and not talking to him.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Today is mom’s birthday. She was supposed to get a puppy today. It just happened that it wouldn’t be ready to go to a home until today. It was a little brown puppy that was half mixed with a Chihuahua and Boston terrier. Mom had named it Gypsy. She was so excited to get that puppy. I stayed until today because I wanted to visit Mom at her grave since it was her birthday. So Dad and I drove up to her grave that morning. We put some plastic flowers on each side of her grave that have lights in them that turn on in the dark. Dad walked away so I could have a minute alone with her. With tears running down my face, I sang happy birthday to her. It was the saddest version of happy birthday I have ever sung. I was supposed to be going with her to get her new puppy, not singing happy birthday to a pile of dirt. Life is cruel.
I decided to go home that day after Dad reassured me that he would be okay. It was really hard leaving him. I didn’t want to but it seemed like he had everything under control which took a load off my mind and ultimately my shoulders. I thought I was going to have to visit him once a month just to check up on him but as the weeks have gone by, I don’t think I’ll have to do that. When I got home, I was a wreck. I was finally alone and didn’t have to worry about my Dad, only myself. I could finally grieve. Dave was still at work when I got home so I had the house to myself for a little while. I was grateful for that. I needed some time to myself. I was able to cry in peace.
Two Weeks
The Sunday after I got back home, Dave was working. We had our 4 year anniversary coming up as well as his birthday and I hadn’t gotten him any gifts yet. It took me a while to get moving, I just wanted to stay in bed, but I eventually got out to Walmart. I only went to buy him a card and maybe a few small gifts but it was the hardest thing to do. I felt like I was just floating around in that store, like I wasn’t even there. I just wanted to leave and was making my way to the register when it started storming outside…raining heavy and hailing. I was stuck in Walmart for another 20 minutes, wandering around aimlessly, wishing I was in bed and under the covers. I was happy to finally get out of there.
I took the next day off work. I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I needed another day to try to pull myself together. The tears were coming in full force. I was sitting in my living room and for a brief second or two, I smelled cigarette smoke. I knew my mom was there. I asked out loud, “Are you smoking in my house mom?” I didn’t get any kind of response. I was happy because if I had, I probably would have shit myself.
I went back to work on Tuesday August 20th. Some people were surprised that I had came back to work, they thought it was too early. I didn’t want to go back to work but I thought getting back to my normal routine would be best for me. I was right. My first day back to work was hard as I thought everyone would be asking me how I was doing and that would in turn upset me. My employees are great though. At lunch time they all came in my office with a card, a stuffed panda bear and a panda book, flowers, and a fruit basket. That made me cry. I pulled myself together though. I only worked three days that week as Dave and I had a trip scheduled for Oxford for our 4-year anniversary for two nights and then Ocean City for three nights.
Three Weeks
I didn’t want to go on our trip because I felt like it was too soon for a vacation. I was still a mess and it didn’t feel right going away but we went. I think, in the end, it was a good idea. It was a distraction from my new normal life that I was still struggling with. I didn’t really smile or laugh much on that trip. I did some crying and a lot of thinking about my Mom. Our first night in Ocean City, we had dinner at the Dumser’s Diner. We were waiting on our dessert of ice cream to arrive when an older couple walked in with a much older woman. I assumed the oldest woman was the lady’s mother. She was going over the menu with her and helping her pick out something to order. The lady appeared to be pretty old. She was skinny, nothing but skin and bones and I thought, My mom will never get that old. I will never have the chance to help her with stuff like that. I started crying. Right there in the restaurant. Dave, I think, was concerned. I scarfed down my ice cream, got out to the car and got the tears out. I was getting good with pulling myself together though so it didn’t take me long. Our last night in Ocean City, I had a really weird dream. I was in a grocery store or convenient store with mom. As she was standing in front of a refrigerator looking at drinks, I put my arm around her and told her I needed to know what happened to her. She told me she was having problems with her eyes. I told her, “No mom. We are in the past and tomorrow you are going to pass away and I need to know what happened to you.” I got no answer from her. We were then standing at a counter and mom had a ziplock sandwich bag full of jewelry. She was telling the lady behind the counter that some of her jewelry was missing. They lady told her that was everything so I started running through the store yelling, “jewelry thieves! Jewelry thieves!” The weird part, though, was that when mom was talking, her face was drooping and her words were slurred. It was what happens when someone has a stroke. I looked up symptoms of a stroke and learned you can have problems with vision also while having a stroke, which I didn’t know. So, I thought it was mom’s way of visiting me and telling me she had a stroke. We still didn’t really know what happened to her.
On August 29th, I went and saw my therapist. The last time I had seen her was four years ago. She has helped me through some pretty rough times and I thought she might be able to help out again. I had something that I needed to talk to her about that was driving me crazy and upsetting me. It’s not something I wish to share here as it’s some pretty heavy stuff that my Mom had told me a couple of years ago and she had asked me to do something when she passed away. For reasons I won’t get into, I knew I couldn’t do what she asked me so I felt like I was betraying her. The session with my therapist went well and she really helped me out with what I was struggling with. She also was surprised that it was my Mom who passed before my Dad. She suggested I see her once a week for now and I agreed. She also suggested that I read a book: “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. and David Kessler. She also suggested I look up a support group in my area but I didn’t think I was ready for that yet. I was still feeling lost and so sad. I went to the gym after that appointment…my first time back in three weeks. I don’t know why I went. I was crying the entire drive there. I guess I was just trying to feel normal again. I started the 30 minute circuit work out and I did horribly. My heart was beating too fast, I was shaking, I felt sick, I thought I was going to pass out and I was struggling. I got through it half-assed and instead of doing the tread mill for an hour like I usually do, I left. I cried all the way home and for the next hour or so at home. I didn’t know what else to do with myself.
The next day, I left work for a couple of hours to go to my friends ribbon cutting ceremony at her new store in Old Ellicott City. It was weird to be there among co-workers and friends and putting on a smiling face. I was really happy for my friend but at the same time, I really had no desire to be there. I couldn’t wait to get back to work.
Four Weeks
On Saturday August 31st, my brother Luke and I went to a psychic medium. Her name was Irene Richardson and she was located in downtown Frederick. We didn’t know what to expect but she had some really good reviews and testimonials and has been doing it for a long time. She was expensive too…$90 each for a one-hour session. We went in and told her we just lost our mother. Reading her website after we set up the appointment and already paid for half, we learned that it’s better to wait at least six months after your loved one passes to give them time to get used to their new spirit self and to get stronger. I told her we were sorry for coming only three weeks after she passed and she said it was okay. Sometimes, they still are able to communicate. And of course, my Mom, being as strong as she is, did! After she did her little prayer or whatever it was and called out for my mom, she started coughing…it was my mom’s cough exactly. I then started smelling a cigarette so I knew Mom was there. I was the only one who smelled it and it lasted for a good ten seconds this time. Irene said she was feeling pain across her chest and that usually means cancer or heart failure. She asked us what she died from. We told her we didn’t know. The funeral home actually said it was more than likely a heart attack and the little bit of blood was from her biting her tongue. They said because her skin above her neck was darker than usual, that usually means the person had a heart attack. So when Irene said heart failure, we figured we pretty much got our answer from that. Mom had a heart attack. Irene said mom was not letting her up to her brain so she was unable to feel if it could have been a stroke.
There is a lot I can say about that one hour long session. Irene Richardson is the real deal. She was pulling out all sorts of things that my mom was making her see that she couldn’t have known. She described people in our family. There is no doubt in my mind that my mom was there with us. She said mom did really good for only being gone for three weeks. She said mom was surprised as well that she passed. She said she was there one minute and then gone the next minute. We didn’t ask questions because mom was all over the place and showing Irene many things. I held myself together pretty well until towards the end. Irene does automatic writing which is where she writes without thinking about what she’s going to write. It just happens automatically. She asked my mom what she wanted to say to me and Luke. I was first. Irene’s hand was flying on the paper as my mom was making her write. I started crying when Irene told me that my mom just wants me to be happy because she had always said that to me before, and she loves me. She said she knew I wanted to come visit her more than I did and she was going to come visit me more now. If anyone is struggling with the death of a loved one, I’d suggest going to a psychic medium. Just make sure they are the real deal. Luke and I are going to go back after mom has been gone for six months. I think we will have questions then.
Luke and I went out after that and had some lunch and walked around an antique store. When we finally said our goodbyes, he actually said to me, “I love you.” He’s never said that before…not that he has to because I already know, but we were never a family to say that to one another. I guess mom’s death has changed some things.
The following day was really rough. Dave and I got into a fight and I couldn’t believe how mean he was being to me. As we talked about it a little later, it came out that he just didn’t know how to help me and he felt useless. I first told him that I can’t deal with his emotions right now because I can barely deal with my own and he can never treat me like he did today. I then told him that there is nothing he can do and what little he can do, he’s already doing it. I’m sharing this, not because I like to put out my personal business, but because while grieving, you don’t really see how it affects your significant other. I never realized how unsettled he was as he watched me cry out of nowhere and be sad. At work, I have to put on a show and pretend like I’m okay. I don’t have to do that at home but I never thought about how that would make Dave feel. The fight we had just confirmed how much he loves me and I think we needed to have it. I was an emotional wreck at that point but we had to go to his Grandmother’s house to celebrate his and his mom’s birthday. Truth be told, I didn’t want to go but I went anyway. I broke down and cried twice while I was there. Luckily, they were all cool about it. It was very hard for me to watch Dave celebrate his mom’s birthday with her because I didn’t get to do that with my mom.
The next day, I was off for Labor Day and I had a hard time getting out of bed and getting moving. I eventually did. Later in the afternoon, I was doing some cleaning. At that point, I was just trying to stay busy to keep my mind off things. I was going through some boxes that I haven’t opened in years. In one of them, I found a carousel music box. I know I’ve had it for years, maybe since I was a kid, but I can’t remember for the life of me where I got it from. It’s one of those music boxes that plays music but also rotates around since it’s a carousel. I remember thinking, “If mom was still here, she’d be able to tell me where I got it from.” I turned the thing on the bottom to make it play music and spin and it didn’t do anything. It was broken. Even though I knew I’ve had it for a long time, I decided to throw it away since it didn’t work. The trash bag was out in the hallway and it was full but I placed it right on top. I went back to cleaning. Five minutes go by when all of a sudden, music starts playing from it! No lie! I picked it up and said out loud, “Okay, mom. I’ll keep it.” I put it up on the window sill and it hasn’t played music since then. There’s no doubt in my mind that it was my mom’s way of telling me I need to keep it. I know she’s with me. Always.
I have started calling my dad once a week. On September 4th, I made my weekly call to him. He told me he kept getting messages from CVS pharmacy on his voicemail saying that mom’s prescription was ready for pick up. It was pissing him off because he had already been into CVS to tell them that mom passed away but he was still getting the recording saying the prescription was ready for pick up. It was for my mom’s cholesterol medication. It was four hundred and some odd dollars! FOR A 30 DAY SUPPLY! That is RIDICULOUS! Dad told me that the month prior it was three hundred and something and he told mom to just pay for it and get it. She had told him that she would find a way to get it cheaper. We are thinking she never did and just stopped taking it. I read online that if you stop taking your medication for high cholesterol, that your cholesterol will sky rocket and it will increase your chances of having a heart attack and stroke. What Irene said about her heart giving out on her was making more and more sense now. I only wished she had told me. I would have paid for the medicine. I would have paid any amount of money if it meant it would keep her alive.
One thing that has occurred to me in this four weeks is that I’m really freaked out that when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, which I do almost nightly, that I’m going to see mom. I’m actually scared to get up in the middle of the night. I wonder if anyone else who has lost a parent feels like this. I don’t know if it’s because I think she is always with me or I watch too many ghost stories and things always happen at night but it’s unsettling to me now to get up in the middle of the night. I know my mom would never hurt me but I think seeing her would throw me over the edge right now. I just don’t think I could deal with it and I don’t want to. I do believe in spirits, so I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much. I’m hoping I get over it as time goes on.
ONE MONTH
It’s hard to believe that my mom has been gone for one month. It went by so fast and I still miss her as much as I did day one. I still can’t believe that she is gone and I’ll never see her or talk to her again. It still all feels unreal. My therapist says I’m doing really well and I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. She wants me to keep pushing myself every day to get things done like I have been but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. Some days, I don’t want to do it anymore. I have no idea how I’ve made it this far without really losing it and being committed somewhere. The only thing I can think is that my mom was a very strong women and she gave that strength to me and that’s why I’m able to just keep going.
It’s strange that it took something like this for me to see who my true friends and family are…which sadly, is not much. The first week or so after I lost mom, everyone was messaging me and telling me they are thinking of me and to call them if I needed anything. Fast forward to one month later and I hardly hear from anyone. I’m not one to reach out to people. I never have been. I’m starting to see that when it comes to death, no one wants to talk about it and I want to change that. That’s why I’m sharing this. Sure, it’s uncomfortable but we all will have to deal with it sooner or later. The people who have been there understand. Those that haven’t don’t even want to try to understand. It’s sad really.
I finished reading the book that my therapist wanted me to read. It was a bit of a help as everything it talked about, I’ve experienced in one way or another but there were some things I read that really spoke to me and I want to take a second to share them here, on the one month anniversary of losing my mom.
“When you sit with the dying and their family, the loved ones will often say that a part of them is dying too. That is true, but equally true is that a part of the one who died lives on in us.” I think that’s why we feel empty when we lose someone close to us, because a part of us has died as well…an important part of us. But with every negative is a positive and the positive here is that my mom will always live on in me. I’m so much like my mom that it’s not even funny. She will always be with me and I will make sure that no one will ever forget about her. She will live on in me as long as I have something to say about it!
“Telling the story helps to dissipate the pain. Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process. You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed. Grief shared is grief abated.” I never realized that I told my mom’s story so many times because it was a part of healing. I told it because I wanted everyone to know. I didn’t know that sharing my grief would help it to go away some. I shared a lot at first but as the days went on, I stopped. I figured that no one wanted to hear about it anymore. The book goes on to say, “Support and bereavement groups are important, not only because they allow you to be with others who have experienced loss, but because they provide another forum for talking about the devastating events that befell your world. Tell your tale, because it reinforces that your loss mattered.” I almost joined a support group but then didn’t because I felt like I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think it would help but how much sense does that make? It helps show that your loss mattered. My loss only mattered to me, or so I thought. Maybe my loss would matter to other people if only I shared more. I may never join a support group but you never know.
“A part of the old you died with your loved one. And a part of your loved one lives on in the new you.” This was kind of said earlier but this sentence says it better or something, I’m not sure. It just rings true to me. I’m not the same person I was before my mom passed away. I see people differently. I look at things differently. I react to things differently. A part of me died. I am a new person now and in some ways it’s good, other ways not so good. I have to be a new person though, so my mom can live on. If I didn’t become this new person, she wouldn’t have the chance to live on in me. This one is my favorite line in the entire book!
“In grieving we mistakenly think we can finish everything, but grief is not a project with a beginning and an end it is a reflection of a loss that never goes away. We simply learn to live with it, both in the foreground and in the background. Where grief fits in our lives is an individual thing, often based on how far we have come in integrating the loss.” I’ve read over and over again that everyone deals with grief differently and you will never get over losing your loved one…you just learn how to live with it and keep moving. I’m not sure how far I’ve come in integrating my loss but I feel like I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be sad for the holidays and will not want to celebrate them but I think that is a part of grieving. I need to keep in the foreground as much as possible in order to get through it. I just hope my family and friends understand and accept that.
“Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain.” Who would have thought that? I mean, grieving SUCKS! I feel bad for anyone who is grieving, including myself. It really tears your world apart and keeps you from feeling normal. Who knew that what it’s actually doing is comforting us? Who knew that there could be comfort in your pain? I don’t think I’m there yet to understand this one!
“If you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which loss is remembered and honored without pain.” I think that is a very true statement. If you are someone who will not grieve because you have too much pride, you are only going to hurt yourself in the long run.
“If not for death, would we appreciate life? I believe our purpose here is to love and be loved and grow.” It’s sad that it takes death for us to appreciate life but I don’t feel like losing my mom has helped me appreciate life more. Maybe it will later on down the road. I also don’t know what our purpose in life is. Maybe it’s to love, be loved and grow but maybe there is also a lesson in all of this and I think I’m learning one of the biggest lessons in life as I try to come to terms with losing my mother.
Five Weeks
It was during this week that I decided to start having a “moment of silence” every Saturday morning since that’s when I normally talked to my mom. I basically sit in a room by myself in silence and think about her. I will look at photos and cry my eyes out and I will talk to her out loud. It may sound crazy but it has helped me a lot. My brother gave me the idea to record when I’m talking to her. He did that one day and caught a weird noise, kind of sounded like a sigh, that he thinks was my mom. In doing this myself, I’ve captured a noise that sounds like someone snapping their fingers. I can’t hear it when it actually happens. I can only hear it when I play the recording back. I think it’s my mom trying to tell me that she’s there and listening to me. On September 8th, though, I had gotten up that morning and was thinking about my mom and the snapping noise I had heard in the recording the day before. When, all of a sudden, I actually heard that snapping noise with my own ears. So, I snapped my fingers. Then I heard the snapping noise again but not as loud. So, I snapped again but I didn’t hear anything after that. I wondered if it was my mom. I got my shower and after I was finished and turned the water off, I heard what sounded like one of our bedroom doors opening up and then closing. Dave was home so I figured he must have finally got out of bed. When I came out of the bathroom, I realized he was still in bed. I poked my head in his room and he was awake. I asked him if he had gotten up a few minutes ago. He said, no, that he hasn’t left the room yet. I told him what I heard and I’m sure he thought I was crazy. I was watching my friend’s dog so I took him for a walk and Dave texted me a screen shot of his phone. It turns out that when he looked at his phone for the first time that morning, his weather app on his home screen was set for Elkins, WV. That’s where my parent’s lived. It made me wonder if my mom had been in his room messing with his phone. It’s a longshot, I’m sure, but after hearing the snap, a door opening and closing, and then that happened, I tend to believe it was her. This was also the first day since my mom passed that I didn’t wake up feeling sluggish, tired and out of it. I actually felt good. It was also the first day that I didn’t cry. I teared up but never cried today. I was hoping it meant I was doing better but I soon realized that it was just an off day.
It was during this week that dad ordered the headstone for mom’s grave. Well, really for him and mom. He’s hoping it will be placed by Thanksgiving. The company he ordered from is really busy and behind. I’m glad he took care of that part. None of this still feels real.
Six Weeks
I talked to my brother Luke this week and he told me the last time he talked to dad that dad told him about a piece of paper he found. He found it kind of behind the couch when he pulled the couch out to clean the window that’s behind it. It’s some blood test results of my mom’s and all of the levels of everything that was checked was high…really high. I think we are starting to get a clearer picture of what happened to mom. She stopped taking her medication and just gave up on her health issues and it all got the better of her. It’s sad but then again, mom was sad. She was not a happy and positive person. I think she was tired of fighting everything and just gave up. I heard how irritable she sounded the last couple of times I talked to her on the phone. I only wish that I had confronted her about it. I might have made a difference and maybe she’d still be here. I know that’s silly and it’s really one of the stages of grief but it’s how I feel sometimes.
This week after talking to my dad, I realized that he’s not doing okay. He was supposed to go have a stress test done and he canceled it and didn’t go. He said they were going to stop his heart or something like that. I think he may have misunderstood. He didn’t sound good when I talked to him today. I hope he doesn’t start ignoring his health issues now. I’m not ready to bury my other parent. Not yet.
For some reason, I was thinking about the 4th of July this week. We ended up getting an extra day off at work so I had four days in a row off. I had posted about it on Facebook and asked what I should get into. One of my cousins commented that I should come to WV and see the parents. My mom commented on it and said, “Yeah, come see us.” I responded that I’d be there for a week next month. My mom laughed and said she knew. I don’t know why I thought about that this week but I did and I realized that if I had went, I would have seen my mom one last time before she passed. Or, perhaps I would have noticed something was wrong and convinced her to go to the hospital. It hit me hard and I just cried and cried. Will this ever stop?
Seven Weeks
During this week, when I did my moment of silence with mom, I got three snapping sounds on the recording. It’s pretty cool as I’m sure it’s mom. I also took my motorcycle out for the first time in two months. I only rode for an hour. I had to park it because I was driving kind of recklessly. I mean, at one point, I was doing 70 in a 35. I just don’t think my mind is still right to be operating a motorcycle. It was also my birthday this week. My first one without my mom. I didn’t know how I was going to deal since I usually get depressed on my birthday anyways (don’t ask). I got through the day okay and I have Dave to thank for that. He made me breakfast in bed and gave me my gifts. He got me an engraved photo album. At the top it says, “mom” and at the bottom it says, “Always with me.” It holds 100 4X6 photos. It made me tear up but I held myself together. He also got me a locket that says on the front “forever in my heart.” I ended up putting a picture of my mom and her mom in it and I wear it every day now. We had a good day together and we went out for dinner. It was on the drive home when I lost it and cried my eyes out. It was weird not having my mom tell me happy birthday. I know I’m 41 years old but not having her tell me was weird and I really missed her on that day.
During my weekly call with my dad, he told me he’s thinking about cashing in his life insurance and putting the money into a savings account. I tried to tell him not to do that but he just doesn’t understand how it all works. At one point, he got quiet and I realized he was crying. I feel so bad for him. I told him that it’s okay and that I still cry every day. He told me he does too. I know he’s not doing okay and it hurts me so bad.
Eight Weeks
This week I realized that I’m not so creeped out when I think about mom maybe being around me or maybe seeing her. There was one day this week that I was on my computer at home and I thought I heard something and got a weird feeling come over me. I actually have some ghost equipment and one of the things I have is an EMF detector. I wasn’t ready to use it at first but I’m starting to feel ready. So, I turned it on and left it lying on the desk next to me. It actually beeped a couple of times but it was just that and no more. I thought maybe mom was checking in on me really quickly. I think I may use it during my next moment of silence for her.
It was during this week that I’ve realized that some days, I’m an emotional wreck and other days, I’m okay. I guess that’s just how grieving goes. I keep it to myself mostly because no one wants to hear how I’m really doing. When someone does ask I just give them the generic “okay.” Unless they’ve lost a parent, they just won’t understand anyways.
TWO MONTHS
It’s hard to believe that mom has been gone for two months now. It flew by and not in a good way. I still miss her every day. I may not cry every day but the days that I don’t cry (which are very few) I still tear up. It still feels unreal to me. I still don’t totally believe that she is gone. The lost and empty feeling that I had at first is not as bad but it’s still there, especially when I think about it. Sometimes, I get so choked up and can’t stop crying and I feel like I can’t breathe. I just let it all out when it hits me. I hide it while I’m at work. I usually cry when I’m in the car or in the shower. I even try to keep it from Dave now. I keep it from everyone but myself. I’ll tell people that I still cry every day but I don’t let people actually see it. I was crying my eyes out during my drive to work this morning. I parked my car with tears rolling down my face. I wiped my tears, got out of the car and walked into my office as if all was fine. I miss my mom so much. I wish that the people who I consider close friends would take the time to check in on me. It would mean so much but a lesson I learned a long time ago, you can’t depend on anyone but yourself.
Nine Weeks
I used my EMF detector this week during my moment of silence for mom. I also did the recording. I’m still getting the snapping sound in my recording and the detector actually beeped a couple of times out of nowhere. It was really cool and I’m not afraid anymore. I want more contact from her now. I wish I’d get her voice or her talking to me in the recording but it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe she’s not strong enough yet or maybe it will never happen. I’ll keep trying, though.
It was also this week that I’ve noticed I don’t have patience for big crowds of people. I had to go to the mall to get me a new pair of tennis shoes for the gym. After that, I was going to go to the lake and walk around. The mall was crowded and everyone was in my way and getting on my nerves. I couldn’t wait to get out of that mall and when I did, all I wanted to do was go home and be by myself. I never went to the lake because I didn’t want to deal with people anymore. I don’t know if that is from my grieving or anger coming out or what but it’s a little alarming, honestly. I’ve also noticed this week how sluggish and down I’ve been feeling. I battle mild depression, have for many, many years, and I think it’s creeping up on me. It’s to be expected but I think that is what has been draining me. I can’t help it. I miss my mom so much and it seems like hardly anyone cares anymore about how I’m doing. I can count on one hand how many people still check in with me regularly. I try not to hold it against anybody but it’s hard not to.
This was the week I headed back to West Virginia to check in on my dad. The morning I was leaving, I was in my room and finishing up my packing. I was talking out loud to my mom as I do all the time now. I was basically telling her I was headed to WV and how weird it was going to be without her being there and how awkward it is with just dad and I. I asked her to be with me and go on the drive with me. When I finished talking, I turned on my EMF detector and put it on the dresser. I’ve been doing this every so often and sometimes it does go off out of nowhere but it only beeps for a second and then stops. Well, I went into the bathroom to pack up my toiletries when the detector really started beeping…A LOT! It threw me for a loop because I had kind of forgotten that I even turned it on. So I walked back into the bedroom and the second I did, it stopped beeping. I waited a second and still nothing. I said “hi mom, I knew you were here.” I went back to the bathroom and it started beeping again. So, I walked back into the bedroom and said, “Are you messing with me mom?” This time it kept beeping. I grabbed my cell phone so I could video it. What I captured was awesome. I videoed the detector beeping and said out loud, “Okay mom, make it stop beeping. Walk away from it.” It actually stopped beeping! I laughed and said, “Okay, make it start beeping again.” It actually started beeping right after I said that! I kind of screamed oh my god and told mom I loved her. I was shaking because I wasn’t expecting any of that. It had never beeped that much and that long before. It was really awesome. I asked her to make it beep again but it didn’t. I wasn’t getting anything so I stopped videoing. It beeped again after that but then it eventually stopped. I tried to ask her questions and tell her to make it beep if the answer was yes but it wouldn’t stop beeping. I think she is getting stronger as a spirit and maybe she was excited that she could do that. I can’t wait to try it again next Saturday during my moment of silence for her. It was really cool!
The trip to WV was rough. My dad was pretty emotional my first night there but he’s doing okay. It’s hard to see him alone and dealing with this alone. His family in WV stopped checking in on him as far as I can tell. He’s got a couple of people that he talks to on the regular but most of them have gone about their business. It makes me sad but at the same time, it’s the same way for me. Dad did cash out his life insurance for $8,000. He opened a savings account and added me onto it while I was there. He’s going to put $100 a month in it and that will be his life insurance. He has no idea how much money us kids are going to lose now that he did that but there’s no point in explaining it to him. He doesn’t understand and assumes he’s right. He’s a stubborn old man. I didn’t go to mom’s grave while I was there. I’m not sure why. I’m not really sure how dad is doing but he told me he stopped taking his medication on October 1st. He thinks the doctors are trying to kill him with the medication. He’s had people tell him that the pain he has in his legs is probably from his blood pressure medication. They may be right, I don’t know. That’s why he stopped taking it and he said his legs aren’t hurting as bad now but I have to say, he was still having a hard time walking around. I just hope he’s going to be okay. I’m not ready for him to go too.
He showed me the print out of my mom’s bloodwork and it was dated for 7/23/19…just two weeks before she passed away. He wanted to know if we could sue her doctors. He feels that if they saw how high her levels were they should have done something about it. I told him that maybe they tried but mom refused. His thought on that was that the doctor should have called him or one of us kids. I don’t think that’s something doctors do. I just wonder what my mom was thinking. It hurts that she knew her levels were so high and she didn’t do anything about it. Was she really surprised that she passed away? I know when Luke and I go back to the physic medium that is a question I want to ask her. I’m glad I got to check in on my dad. I’m hoping the weather will be okay during Thanksgiving so I can get up there again. I don’t want to deal with the holidays but I still want to be with my dad. Especially since this will be the first holidays without her.
Joyce Elaine 