I used to always be that person that would say, “you should always be there for your family, no matter what!” I preached that for many years and feel like I practiced it as well. Then you get older and the way you view life and the way you believe in things changes. You can thank people for that but that’s another blog for another time! There have been recent events in my family life that have shattered me a bit. It has chipped some pieces off my heart and left me feeling dumbfounded. So much so, that I no longer will be the person to say that you should be there for family no matter what.

Damn, that sounds down right horrible, doesn’t it? I almost feel like a bad human being even saying such a thing. The thing is, you can’t choose your family but you can choose if you want them to be a part of your life. I always welcome any family members with open arms. I always have and probably always will. However, like with new people you meet, it takes a while for even family members to show their true colors. If those true colors harm me in any way, I will be the first one to close my open arms and not bet there for them anymore. Family shouldn’t hurt you but lets face it, family members are the people that can hurt you the most!

Without getting into details, I had a family member that I thought I was really close to. I recently found out that said family member had some negative feelings towards not only myself, but my mother as well. The problem is, this family member could give no examples of why they felt the way they did. They only tore us down with their words and then ghosted us. I felt horrible. I felt used. I felt like this family member kept me around until they didn’t need me anymore and then just tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. I say that because I helped this family member out a lot. I did a lot of things with this family member. To say that their actions have hurt me is an understatement. They have destroyed my belief in how you should view family.

If a friend or significant other hurts you either physically, mentally or emotionally, you generally tend to not forgive them and move on with your life.  It seems with family, though, you keep forgiving and forgetting, only so they can do it to you again and again. I don’t agree with this…that is the exact definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Why do that to yourself? Because you share the same blood? Big deal! I have friends who are not blood related who have treated me like a sister more than my own sister has. Blood may be thicker than water but that thickness can choke and drown you if you let it.

So I say, if a family member hurts you, sure forgive them…but for yourself, not them. Just because you forgive them, though, doesn’t mean you have to let them back in your life. You can forgive them and still keep your distance to protect yourself. That’s what I plan to do with some family members because they are toxic people. You can’t choose your family but you can choose to let them in or not. You do have that right.

I’ll finish up by saying that “family” to me is not about blood. It’s about the people that have always been there for me and I know always will. It’s about the people who I know would take a bullet for me if they had to. It’s about the people who pick you up when you fall and don’t judge you for your mistakes. It’s about the people who never do anything to hurt you and who are honest and real with you. Family is blood and non-blood. Family is whoever you want it to be!